fat girl

After all of my years, (35 of them), I often, very often, think about my body...what I look like, what other people see...and I worry.
I no longer binge and purge. I am no longer skinny...and still think I'm fat...
At 117 pounds I remember thinking I was fat, feeling fat, looking at my body in the mirror, finding the flaws, obsessing over the scale.
I haven't had a full-length mirror in years, and no scale either, for that very reason.

And here I am, at approximately 170 pounds, only 5"1, and I usually embrace my curves much more readily than I ever did my body before. The thing is, I still worry what others think. It's actually very disconcerting. When I asked some friends I hadn't seen in many years, what is different about me, they said I have better self-confidence. And this is true...most definitely, but I still don't feel "as good" somehow, as the skinny girls, like I don't exercise enough, which I don't, but can still keep up with the best of them...hiking the AT, doing 2 miles on the elliptical, living, really living my life.

I don't see myself as God does, and I too often DON'T see my beauty. When I do, it feels good, but then I look at pictures...of me now, or of me "before." I remember, when I look back at those pics, worrying about what other people thought, not feeling "good enough" and thinking I was fat. I look back at times when I knew I was thin, but still felt fat. I mean, I guess it is a disease.

And now, at my largest, I guess, I can see my beauty in ways I didn't. I love my big boobs, and talk about my big butt and wear revealing clothes proudly, but I still see it, and still feel "not good enough."

I'm not gonna blame the media, or culture, or society, or whatever. I know the factors, and I know myself, well enough to know that isn't all there is. There is God in my heart, trying desperately to show me my SELF.

I can exercise, and the endorphins help, and I lose weight, and that IS a good thing on many levels, but my heart...it's my heart that needs exercise, and not in looking to other people for some sense of self-esteem. The more I love myself, the more I will want to go out, get exercise, and be the woman I know am.

Looking back on those pictures of the "skinny" me was hard, even harder knowing I felt fat even then...I mean, whoa.

update from last post...

Well, finding a great client (with a swimming pool I can use!) and everyone pulling their own weight at work and the fact that His strength is in my weakness are all things that make me happy...

new job, new clients, new stress

Now I don't want to go around being pissy all the time, or really even some of the time, but GOD it's hard to start a new job, esp one that on my first day I worked 8 hrs with no break...that's gotta be illegal...so anyway, then I was told after 8 hours of quite tough work (it is a really busy restaurant), that I could have asked for food, or just gotten some...but I never had the time. Now I know, I have friends that work 15 hour days, but I would LOSE MY MIND. Not because of the physical stamina, but the mental stamina. I am not WEAK mentally, but very conscientious about the job I do, whether it's working at a restaurant or teaching or writing...I want it to be done right, and we live in the most fast-paced world, and I don't like it. I hate to be rushed. And I must live with it. I know this. However, I can't wait for the day, and I thought that it had to be by now, that I will no longer have to work in a restaurant..(since I have a Master's Deg, and 5 years' experience teaching I didn't think I would, but I still do). SO, I am even rushed in covering curriculum in teaching, but that is more about organization than anything. And I'll be the first to admit, it has taken a LONG time to learn how to be organized, and I still basically suck at it. BUT, here I am, and at least I have work my 3rd week in the area.
I also have at least 2 tutoring clients coming to me, one starting next week. This is good too. Something I can take my time doing. I want to do it well. I want to have peace. So if you are someone who prays, in whatever form, please pray for me to have peace through all of this newness, because as exciting as it is, it is still stressful.

17 years later...

What??? Anna, a friend from High School, that I haven't seen SINCE then, just left my house...nutty!

We went out last night and had Pinot Noir, crashed a wedding reception (took a pic of ourselves with one of the disposable cameras on the table!), talked to lots of strangers...remembered the Divinyls song "I Touch Myself." (There's a history in that one.)

She and I are quite alike, and after so many years, our paths have collided once again, which makes sense, considering our "peeps" that we keep. hehe.

Our ways of communicating are SO similar, like a boxing match, interrupting with a right cross, or a left hook, and staying in rhythm the whole time. We both laughed a LOT, and what is better than laughter...can you think of anything? Sex, okay, but laughing during sex, now...yo...

Anyway, back to Anna...we discussed our dress and hat collections and coffee addictions and took some wonderful pics...these will be for my myspace, until I get a flickr or decide to put them on here...(note to self, figure out how to do that...)

So, full circle in some strange way, with coffee and wine in our bellies, and big hugs when parting (but not for 17 years this time!)

I'm so gonna visit her in Venice, CA...freakshow central!

there's blues in my mailbox, cause I can't get no mail

Okay, well bills/and/or spam I can get just fine...whichever mailbox you please...my poor cat is blue, cause he got an abscess and a drain and a big cone on his little head...makes me blue too. Moving is taxing, so I felt the need to write about it...
So, I wrote this today: (in the works, of course)

to build a new home

35 years of wandering
words,
and part-time, or temporary
jobs:

wait tables
guard lives
make coffee drinks
teach preschool
teach college
tutor
swim lessons
remember-names of every boss


don't
get
discouraged-
and unpack that 20 boxes of books!!

don't forget-
chainsaw art in NC
street performers on Pearl Street in Boulder
or old milk in the fridge...

adjust your cat to his new place--GOD...
Do it now!!

takecareofthebills,
makefriends, getinvolved...
what's your PROBLEM?
GET OUT OF BED!

clothes that impress
don't be late-you'll get lost,
you will, new town

find a job
painttoespumicefeetpluckeyebrows
meetnewpeople

FUCK...why did you move?

let's see...smalltowndrama
jobswithjackpay

relish each friend
each hometown
remember...haven-homes
with woods farms
playing naked on a trampoline
in LA(loweralabama)

bucking horses throw you
because you
refuse
to ride with a saddle

and your name is now "HI my name is..."
because that's all they remember

Watkinsville, GA

Here I am, close to Athens, feeling good in a new little town, feeling alive...
I'm gonna teach a Writing Children's Lit class...it excites me to no end...
All you need is love...love is all you need.

www.wordletting.com

I have a poem published in their first issue. Check it out if you feel the need. It is a tribute to a good friend who is sick.

Jonathan Williams' passing

My favorite poet of late...a Black Mountain poet living in Highlands, very close to where I live currently, just passed at the end of March. I had been planning on writing to him. He came to the bookstore in town to do readings, but I never got to see him. Look him up. He's worth a read. Funny, outrageous old man.
He was 79.

Being an Adjunct

Being An ADJUNCT
I ask myself all the time is it worth if for me to teach 4,5,6 classes at a school and still barely make 1000 bucks a month at the most? This is the plight of an adjunct professor. More and more schools are using adjuncts ("part-time" instructors) all the time. This means they don't have to give us ANY benefits, and only pay us for "contact hours" which means the time we are IN the classroom. Anyone who teaches knows that is only a minute part of doing our jobs. I do feel I am a good teacher, and for the most part, really enjoy it, but as someone who has to constantly worry about bills, I most definitely do not feel it is worth the hassle, even though I am in my field, which I love. I am SO not alone in this. If you are interested in this issue, as it affects our schools GREATLY, read this article, go to the AFT website, and take ACTION!
http://www.aft.org/higher_ed/news/2007/adjuncts_ask.htm

the love of self

I claim:

myself
(as God does)
full cloud
watertight
ready to spill
tape bullets to me
dance with me
try to cut me from
myself
but you can't

I am on a twisting path
passionate
ready
beheaded
so I won't fight
with myself

I embrace my head
like a baby
on my heart