Be Still

God gently rid me of my fear.

Something so comforting in the abusive words, the ride of addiction, hearing his voice, the lies and knowing at least he’s still alive.

Seeing his unshaven face, thinking I can hold his heart in my hands, like his face, and make it clean and new.

He told me, “You’re not making this easy.” I wanted to explode.

And every time I see our daughter, every time I hug her and feed her and rock her and watch her sleep, I think of him, not doing those things.

And if I join my thoughts to God’s I lose sight of him, and am afraid I’m abandoning him.

Forgetting that being still is the only option, that I won’t change him, that any doing for him is doing for naught.

I want to fill the stillness.

Being alone with God is hard sometimes. It requires silence.

Silence seems useless, but when I’m in the noise, I die, over and over again with him.

This is my daughter, Israel Elizabeth Hoover. I have been spending the last 8 months loving her so so immensely. She is unbelievable. One of my good friends, Colleen, who is in her 80s, has given probably the most profound and accurate description of Izzy after having only met her and been around her for 30 minutes or so. She said, "She's intense." This is very true. When she was born, they put her on my chest immediately, and she looked at me with her dark eyes, wide, directly into mine. Since then, when she meets people or encounters new situations, she stares very seriously. She smiles and giggles and is a very happy child, but she is a thinker...a watcher...a listener. She loves to explore, as I think most children do, but she loves blocks, puppets and simply stares at and studies every inch of everything in her hands and within her sight. She also wants to touch and taste everything. Again, I think this is part and parcel because of her age and stage, but I also think she studies on such an intensive level as I have never ever ever seen in anyone.

Needless to say, I am extremely proud of her. I also have never experienced such a love as being a mother. I am totally immersed. I have really not written more than a tiny stitch since she was born. I can't wait till my words and hands catch up with all the feelings and experiences I'm having with Israel.

last trimester

I've been out of the gates for awhile now
pushing towards something bigger than me
bigger than my dreams, bigger than this belly

waddling maybe

connecting my life to some new someones
plugging into this bigness is big business

whatever history I knew, I am changed
will be transformed

before: teacherfrienddaughterchildsinglewomanselfishtalker

after: childwifemotherloverlistenerclotheswashermenderbathroomcleanerdishwashercook

This is what I wanted.
Funny to say it. Even funnier to become it.

I can see you moving
bathtub water too shallow
for all this belly

you grow

warmth, light, a newness
something so round, so whole

every image I conjur in this worldly mind
is inept

maybe ones used for centuries--

the egg-
smooth, fragile,
dropped carefully into place
to be warmed nurtured,
a safe place with mother

the flower--
as you emerge from the growing place
bud into light and liquid,
I notice each stem, leaf, bud, petal

precious and perfect
a conversation in my belly
I can't understand
and could never have imagined

all in this body worn by earth and time
and thought

all awkward in light of you

in the air of waiting

it is the time for waiting

i have your clothes in the closet
shirts on the top bar
pants on bottom

your socks in the drawer
all white

i cry and listen
to the TV in the other room

as you grind your teeth
and listen to the other men
smacking their lips in sleep

it is the time for waiting

i have her clothes in the closet
0-3 months hanging

others in a box under my bed
her blankets and bibs

the cradle is ready
casters attached

i pet the cat
listening to the song of the
air conditioner

as she floats
somersaults
takes her time

it is not my time to do
and that's what it means to wait

it's only prayer time

and prayer doesn't get lost
in air that's alive

Gah Lee!

:) It's been waaay too long since I've been here! I've been without my computer since February, and life has gone incredibly fast since then in so many ways. I'm 26 weeks pregnant with a little girl named Israel Elizabeth. I am engaged. I moved to Florence, AL.

I plan to get back into the blogging world, writing, reading all my fav blogs, etc. I missed you guys. I hope you'll all still visit at some point.

I've been enjoying pregnancy a lot. My mom says I notice all the details. I try to. I am so in love already. Though I had pretty severe nausea for 5 months, I'm feeling better now, and being able to feel her moving around makes the experience that much more real. Izzy flips and slides around inside me quite often! She's almost 2 lbs now. I have a picture of my belly on my profile. I'm getting huge! I love my pregnant belly.

I'm hoping to get past my writing slump and begin writing some poetry again soon.
I've been writing to my fiance who is out of town right now on a regular basis.
I've also been writing to Izzy in a journal. I hope she enjoys reading it one day.

I pray you are all well, and I'll write more soon!
H

a poem he sent me today

I fell in love with the ocean
and I think of you every
time I look out over it and

always will that's where I'm
going that's where I'll be

waiting when the time
is right I meant what I said
and I always will now that
I understand real God given

soul connected love I'll be
there It's not easy to follow
Him sometimes

but you will find your way
but it won't be back to me it'll

be ahead and above

You stopped running.

I go faster and faster.
I stumble, skin my knees;
my hips and ankles ache.

I move, and
though I take lots of rests,
I move again.

When I saw you weren't
beside me anymore, I called
and called.

I am still calling.
I can't wait for you to catch up.

Even if I don't ever
hear your shoes thud,
your breathing, even if
I can't ever see your eyes again,
my pace won't falter.

Sidewalks and asphalt
rocky paths and fallen trees
dirt trails and sandy walkways-
He told me to keep walking,

so that's what I do,
and I pray God breathes into you
once more,
and you will be there,
running next to me again.

re-vision

There's something called discernment,
and it's hard to have from 521 miles away.

It's tough to believe you from that far,
and I want to believe

every single word, from trust to sister
but the rain hasn't come, and neither

has the light, only the waiting.

It's about time for me to stop looking
at you, not being able to see that far
anyway,

turn off the sound, and the picture,
and live in the light of today.