Thursday, August 20, 2009

in the corridor

on the bridge, in the road
she waits, dirty clothes
lice infested scalp
thief of dumpster food

waits for her turn
waits in the long line of life
for now

and when she talks to him
she cries
she cries every day
drips down overgrown eyelashes

and when he asks her why she
cries, she says she doesn't see
how everyone doesn't cry
every day

and she is black and white
in a world of color

people with earphones
drowning her image

and her throat is closed
elongated neck
a knife in the wrong place
and she waits

sitting in the hallway
listening to the cars
smelling the piss-covered streets

she waits in the subway
until there is no more time

it's 13 o'clock, and she has
to move her feet, has to get
out of the line

wash it
and get out of the hall
out of the door
has to baptize herself in the bay

Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Chocolate Chip Conundrum

As I sit here with melted chocolate on my face, I think about the strangeness of my life. I can pretty much do anything I want, within reason of my budget, which means hang out at my house and make chocolate chip oatmeal cookies...and go on the internet. My oh my...I read about all of my friends on facebook that are married, have kids, and full-time jobs, PhD's, dual income households, or are at least in the process of getting these things. I've noticed that I tend to fret a lot about what I DON'T have lately than count my blessings.

Is it just me, or do the people who can handle kids and 60 hr a week jobs and all sorts of other responsibilities of the "real world" blow your mind too??? I want all of those things, but I can barely keep up with life without burning the cookies because I sat online too long doing nothing and forgot them! I can't keep up with mowing the lawn while my landlord, who is in his 60's at least, can keep all of his land (acres and acres with like 100 goats and a horse and a bunch of cows) mowed and his animals fed and still works on his rental properties...

I mean, I know we do what we have to do, right?...but what if we don't have to do anything? I have trouble even making myself do anything. Why am I not motivated to do things for myself? I always feel like when I had "someone" I was more motivated. I cleaned the house, exercised, and being in love made me, um...rosy and bright...or at least that's how I remember it.

Maybe it's just been so long since I was in love I have some elevated idea of what it was. Either way, I know I need to get my own shit together. I feel like I'm lost in my own head, selfish, but still not taking care of myself like I should. I could pretend like all I need is someone else, but I know there is something else. I feel like all of my friends have what I want, but I know that's oversimplifying things...a lot probably.

So here I am, wiping the chocolate off of my face, trying not to eat all the cookies, and planning for a better day tomorrow, and trying to look more toward God for the answer to my conundrum.