Tuesday, August 4, 2009

Chocolate Chip Conundrum

As I sit here with melted chocolate on my face, I think about the strangeness of my life. I can pretty much do anything I want, within reason of my budget, which means hang out at my house and make chocolate chip oatmeal cookies...and go on the internet. My oh my...I read about all of my friends on facebook that are married, have kids, and full-time jobs, PhD's, dual income households, or are at least in the process of getting these things. I've noticed that I tend to fret a lot about what I DON'T have lately than count my blessings.

Is it just me, or do the people who can handle kids and 60 hr a week jobs and all sorts of other responsibilities of the "real world" blow your mind too??? I want all of those things, but I can barely keep up with life without burning the cookies because I sat online too long doing nothing and forgot them! I can't keep up with mowing the lawn while my landlord, who is in his 60's at least, can keep all of his land (acres and acres with like 100 goats and a horse and a bunch of cows) mowed and his animals fed and still works on his rental properties...

I mean, I know we do what we have to do, right?...but what if we don't have to do anything? I have trouble even making myself do anything. Why am I not motivated to do things for myself? I always feel like when I had "someone" I was more motivated. I cleaned the house, exercised, and being in love made me, um...rosy and bright...or at least that's how I remember it.

Maybe it's just been so long since I was in love I have some elevated idea of what it was. Either way, I know I need to get my own shit together. I feel like I'm lost in my own head, selfish, but still not taking care of myself like I should. I could pretend like all I need is someone else, but I know there is something else. I feel like all of my friends have what I want, but I know that's oversimplifying things...a lot probably.

So here I am, wiping the chocolate off of my face, trying not to eat all the cookies, and planning for a better day tomorrow, and trying to look more toward God for the answer to my conundrum.

9 comments:

Kay said...

Don't you just love conundrums?....gives you a little something to think about. FYI: no one has it all, its all just a give and take

jack sender said...

you're lacking someone to love and depend upon so you can bitch at each other and then wonder what you're missing in life; or you're taking your time to figure out that it's all right the way it is.

Julie said...

A lot of people on Facebook are posing. They're not really that together. I don't mean they're bad people. But they're no different than you and me. The virtual world doesn't show the insecurities, inadequacies, fears, and failures.

In my "real life," I know a PhD who works the 60 plus hour week with three kids, etc. On the outside, she seems to have it all. She called me recently and was a frantic mess, on the verge of a breakdown and a divorce. Not everyone in her position is on the verge of a breakdown. But many are. They're just good at hiding the human side of so-called success.

'Tis just my typical long-winded way of saying...you're doing just fine, Holly:)

holly said...

Kay...I do realize no one has it all, and sometimes I see my friends and think I'm glad I don't have all those responsibilities. As far as give and take, hmm...in relationships? In my job? It's a lot to think about, yes.

Jack...hmmm...I don't think I've ever totally depended on a partner, nor do I want to. I am okay in some ways with the way things are...but sometimes I get lonely. About the bitching...I try not to do that in relationships...it's counter-productive. However, I do try to have discussions when I'm in a relationship. It's just hard sometimes to NOT have someone to have discussions with when I get home for the day.

holly said...

Thanks so much Julie. It's good to have friends to help me keep things in perspective :)

holly said...

and Jack, yes, I think I have been in the process for quite awhile of figuring out it's alright the way it is...it's just a long process...:)

RachelW said...

Chocolate chip cookies can't fix anything, but they can bring a little comfort. The cookies burn, and live plugs along, whether or not we're joyfully coming along for the ride.

christine said...

I had a full-time teaching job and kids and a husband, and I also had a great big nervous breakdown. Plus I never wrote a word of poetry or fiction or anything else. Just a diary about my kids. I love my family, but something has to give, and it's usually the person juggling all that stuff.

Julie's right, people on facebook, and on the internet in general, are creating a brand of themselves. It's all surface.

You're a gifted writer and a sensitive soul. Maybe you need a lot of time to let the thoughts percolate. So what if the cookies burn? Feed them to a dog. They like burned stuff, if it's crunchy.

I like your post. You're a cool kid, take it from me.

holly said...

Christine, you rock. I really respect what you are saying and thank you so much for it.