Sunday, November 30, 2008

alone?

First of all, I believe alone is much more a state of mind than a situation. Being by oneself is really quite nice. A person can read, write, pray, go hiking, go to a movie, go out to eat, do yoga, explore their own thoughts and ideas, learn to LOVE THEMSELVES! I believe that God has taken away many things (people) from me that I didn't need, that made me less ME. If I didn't believe this I could go on feeling sorry for myself and living life the way I see so many people live. Sometimes I'm lonely, but it's really not because I'm ALONE. I have some amazing people in my life. I live alone (well, I do have an awesome dog and cat that are great company). Plus, my family ROCKS. Anyway, I know I can still feel sorry for myself, but I'm learning that it is a waste of time to feel alone. Being by myself can be good. I have always known that and felt it. It's part of being a writer (people watching, etc). I have traveled alone to other countries. It was WONDERFUL. I became more me because of it. I am not perfectly happy all the time, but I know I no longer "need" a romantic relationship, or "need" to be around other people all the time.

Secondly, I am tired of watching people move from one relationship to another (You know, the whole flavor of the month thing). It makes me sick. Why? Well, maybe because I'm slightly jealous on some level that people can "get" that many guys or girls, maybe because I was one of those flavors at one point (albeit a radical, outstandingly delicious flavor), but mainly because I think it is SO sad that some people don't know how to be single and happy. I have spent a long time wishing I had a partner and could have a baby and a family. I turn 36 soon, and I kept thinking it would happen. I even did the whole "If I don't have a partner by the time I'm 30, 35, 40, I'll just have a child on my own." I don't NEED someone else (child husband anyone) to make me happy. As much as I would have denied in the past that I thought that way, in some sense I did. I am not giving up, but I'm GIVING IT UP. I believe that God will give me peace. I give it all away, send it up par avion baby!!! I believe I will be a happy person, not because of what or WHO happens to me, but who I am, who God helps me to be. This is about being true to oneself, and to God (since I believe the divine is in all of us).

I have watched my ex-fiance, who decided he wanted to be a "swinger" turn into a lonely, unhappy person. I watched other exes and friends who decided to "move on" from one partner to another, looking for just the right match, fall flat over and over again. I have myself been guilty of "looking," but it is over. I may be an "old maid" a "spinster" a "cat lady," what the fuck ever...but I will be happy because I see the divine in me. I see the divine in life.

Amen brothers and sisters...carry on. I know I will. :)

3 comments:

Scot said...

rock on holly--when you are happy with yourself--you win!

Julie said...

Dang...Scot stole my comment...ha! ha! This is great, Holly. You sound like you have grown so much in just a short period of time. I wish I could attain so much wisdom.

holly said...

Thank you Scot and Julie. I have needed my blog lately, and you readers-friends also...it's a balm.