Sunday, November 2, 2008

hmm...

This was going to be a rant, but it turned out to be sort of a healing write, as it should be. (I need to let go of my "record of wrongs.")

Now I know I am a sensitive type, and more than way too often, I find myself becoming upset because of others. I am a Christian, and I believe that Jesus' true example, the true meaning of love is what is important..."Love is patient, love is kind. It does not envy, it does not boast, it is not proud. It is not rude, it is not self-seeking, it is not easily angered, it keeps no record of wrongs. Love does not delight in evil but rejoices with the truth. It always protects, always trusts, always hopes, always preserves."
-- 1 Corinthians 13:4-7
Well, I try to have hope...often put my hope and trust in people I shouldn't...I guess. I mean, what I have really learned in my spiritual life is that I can only truly have faith in God, but I will always love people and have hope for them. I try to not get angry or be envious or proud.
But what gets in my way? What do I LET get in my way? The damn chip on my shoulder. The one that keeps a record of wrongs:

1. You look at me funny because I don't dress like you, I have tattoos, and I'm obviously more liberal than you are. I smile at you and you don't smile back.
2. You think I should dress differently..."wear more tailored clothes and makeup, so you won't look like a kid, like your students-then they will respect you more."
3. You tell me my new blog name is better, so I say, well isn't that a backhanded compliment? Honkycackle...like me...is kind of an in-your-face sound...in-your-face kind of laugh, and honky is a word which can certainly have a derogatory meaning to whites...but lordy, I am one, and I think I should be able to laugh at my "whitebread self"...go to www.stuffwhitepeoplelike.com
4. You don't talk to me anymore, you 3 or 4 people over the past few months that I thought were my friends...you stopped communicating with me...for no apparent reason...I cared about you, but you didn't/don't care about me. wow. I just don't get it.
5. You told me God brought us back together after all of these years. Then you started seeing someone else. I was your whim...not just once, but at least 3 times over the past 14 years.
6. You decided that I must be stupid and racist because I'm from the south.
7. You decided I must be stupid, and a "follower" and a zombie of society that can't think for herself because I'm a Christian.
8. You used/use me because I am someone who is a true blue REAL friend with real belief in your good, and I want to be there for you, and I don't run away...and it takes a lot to make me leave you. I am loyal. You don't get that. Maybe you think I'm "dependent" when I know good and fucking well how independent I am.

But I still get hurt by people, probably way more easily than I should. I guess it's just a part of being sensitive. Friends and family tell me that I can't let people get to me so much, but if I was a more cynical person, less "emotional," less trusting, I wouldn't be me in many ways.

I found a Bible verse years ago after my ex-fiance broke up with me two weeks before our wedding that we had been planning for a year. It is one of the only things that really keeps me going sometimes:
"Enlarge the site of your tent, and let the curtains of your habitations be stretched out...For the children of the desolate woman will be more than the children of her that is married...For your Maker is your husband...For the Lord has called you like a wife forsaken and grieved in spirit, like the wife of a man's youth when she is cast off...with great compassion I will gather you." Isaiah 54:1-7

I look at that passage as a symbol of hope for my future...that I too will "get what I need"...though not necessarily what I want. I am learning the difference. I am seeing it. God is emptying me out. I need it. I can't hold on to all of this hurt, the hurt of this world.

5 comments:

Julie said...

Holly, so much of this really hits home with me, too. Why are people so judgmental? It should all boil down to one word--love. Why is that such a hard thing? Yes, your words about God are so powerful and true.

But here's where I'm guilty, too. I had no idea you were hurting so much. Wait...no...I DID know, well, at least one part of it. I have been spinning in my own little selfish orbit of problemzzz, and I wasn't there for you, either. So I'm just like the people I point the finger at. I am truly sorry.

holly said...

No Julie, don't feel that way. I am not feeling this way all the time...just something I needed to get out of me. You know?

Julie said...

Oh, yeah. I know. It feels good to let it all out. As you know, I love a good rant:) But I'm glad you're feeling a bit better now that it's out. Please keep in touch & I will do the same.

Jo said...

I'm tearing up here.......oh Holly. (hugs)

holly said...

I appreciate the hug, Jo. I don't take hugs for granted. Hope you are well.