last trimester

I've been out of the gates for awhile now
pushing towards something bigger than me
bigger than my dreams, bigger than this belly

waddling maybe

connecting my life to some new someones
plugging into this bigness is big business

whatever history I knew, I am changed
will be transformed

before: teacherfrienddaughterchildsinglewomanselfishtalker

after: childwifemotherloverlistenerclotheswashermenderbathroomcleanerdishwashercook

This is what I wanted.
Funny to say it. Even funnier to become it.

I can see you moving
bathtub water too shallow
for all this belly

you grow

warmth, light, a newness
something so round, so whole

every image I conjur in this worldly mind
is inept

maybe ones used for centuries--

the egg-
smooth, fragile,
dropped carefully into place
to be warmed nurtured,
a safe place with mother

the flower--
as you emerge from the growing place
bud into light and liquid,
I notice each stem, leaf, bud, petal

precious and perfect
a conversation in my belly
I can't understand
and could never have imagined

all in this body worn by earth and time
and thought

all awkward in light of you

in the air of waiting

it is the time for waiting

i have your clothes in the closet
shirts on the top bar
pants on bottom

your socks in the drawer
all white

i cry and listen
to the TV in the other room

as you grind your teeth
and listen to the other men
smacking their lips in sleep

it is the time for waiting

i have her clothes in the closet
0-3 months hanging

others in a box under my bed
her blankets and bibs

the cradle is ready
casters attached

i pet the cat
listening to the song of the
air conditioner

as she floats
somersaults
takes her time

it is not my time to do
and that's what it means to wait

it's only prayer time

and prayer doesn't get lost
in air that's alive

Gah Lee!

:) It's been waaay too long since I've been here! I've been without my computer since February, and life has gone incredibly fast since then in so many ways. I'm 26 weeks pregnant with a little girl named Israel Elizabeth. I am engaged. I moved to Florence, AL.

I plan to get back into the blogging world, writing, reading all my fav blogs, etc. I missed you guys. I hope you'll all still visit at some point.

I've been enjoying pregnancy a lot. My mom says I notice all the details. I try to. I am so in love already. Though I had pretty severe nausea for 5 months, I'm feeling better now, and being able to feel her moving around makes the experience that much more real. Izzy flips and slides around inside me quite often! She's almost 2 lbs now. I have a picture of my belly on my profile. I'm getting huge! I love my pregnant belly.

I'm hoping to get past my writing slump and begin writing some poetry again soon.
I've been writing to my fiance who is out of town right now on a regular basis.
I've also been writing to Izzy in a journal. I hope she enjoys reading it one day.

I pray you are all well, and I'll write more soon!
H

a poem he sent me today

I fell in love with the ocean
and I think of you every
time I look out over it and

always will that's where I'm
going that's where I'll be

waiting when the time
is right I meant what I said
and I always will now that
I understand real God given

soul connected love I'll be
there It's not easy to follow
Him sometimes

but you will find your way
but it won't be back to me it'll

be ahead and above

You stopped running.

I go faster and faster.
I stumble, skin my knees;
my hips and ankles ache.

I move, and
though I take lots of rests,
I move again.

When I saw you weren't
beside me anymore, I called
and called.

I am still calling.
I can't wait for you to catch up.

Even if I don't ever
hear your shoes thud,
your breathing, even if
I can't ever see your eyes again,
my pace won't falter.

Sidewalks and asphalt
rocky paths and fallen trees
dirt trails and sandy walkways-
He told me to keep walking,

so that's what I do,
and I pray God breathes into you
once more,
and you will be there,
running next to me again.

re-vision

There's something called discernment,
and it's hard to have from 521 miles away.

It's tough to believe you from that far,
and I want to believe

every single word, from trust to sister
but the rain hasn't come, and neither

has the light, only the waiting.

It's about time for me to stop looking
at you, not being able to see that far
anyway,

turn off the sound, and the picture,
and live in the light of today.

Fear Not

Just because people make drugs out of household cleaning products and
over-the-counter meds aren't anymore,

just because there are babies born addicted,

just because they are taking over whole neighborhoods
and towns with guns, white powder, and they are
stealing loose change from a car
breaking into a broken down trailer with 16 cats and 3 dogs
knowing where the rent money is stashed

just because some say it's the "end times"

and there are houses reeking of poison and piss

doesn't mean laughter
no longer exists

doesn't mean God is dead,

and when you plan to save them,
what do I do but sit and pray,
keep walking,
and stand out of your way?

the fast

There's prayer
in the apple
the orange juice
and the broccoli,
the spinach and the
water.

Daniel refused the
King's wine and meat,
and so can I.

When I am with God
things change. My
belly calls, and
only He can answer.

Tears wash my face,
and there is no milk
in the mixture.
I don't need it.

There are never any pieces
of me left when I end
up down there,
knees digging in.

I am calm, until I
climb out
longing for the noise
of men.

Their sounds snake around me,
and my knee holes fill up
with thoughts.

I can't keep them.
They aren't mine.

Listening to Him is hard,
and I get distracted
by the pretty faces,
so prominent,
but not available.

He's sweetly whispering,
constantly,
and I can only ignore for
so long

only sleep for
so many hours
until my empty belly
wakes me

and I can only fill it
when I'm
on my knees.