Thursday, August 21, 2008

the throat (revised)

makes lovely sounds:
"pharynx, larynx
esophagus, epiglottis"
let it sing, mi-mi
vibrate, yodel, hold a note
gargle gargle, eat
and vomit

we notice
parts of the body
sometimes only
when they hurt
or swell or both
(fat fat fat fat)
don't let fingers
down those holes
stuff clouds of marshmallows
down that throat
doughboy, doughgirl
to gag is human, to puke
divine (constriction)

lyrics strain at the,
coughs split at the,
water chokes at the
thunder in the
(we lose our voices)


Julie said...

Hi, Holly! I think you're on the right track. I really love the poem and all those wonderful sounds, even though I didn't know what it was about.

If you want the reader to know it's about bulimia, maybe more food imagery? I don't mean to say that's what bulimia's "about," but it would help people like me who don't know understand. Maybe intertwine it somehow with those lovely passages about the throat.

I was thinking of singing and communication and not of eating. Of course, that might just be my ignorance of the subject.

I just thought of another idea. I really love the stanza about how we don't notice the body parts until they swell. That's my favorite stanza! Maybe some more about the effects that bulimia has on the body.

Just some ideas to kick around (since you ask). If you kept it as it is, I would still love it. You've done some spectacular things with sound here, too. You are awesome.

Julie said...

Well, duh. I just read the poem again, and it's pretty obvious now. The fingers down the throat. I wonder why I didn't get that? I'm pretty dense. But yeah...maybe the food would make it stand out more for dummies like me.

But I still love it (probably a lot better than you do). Have a good weekend, Holly! Please let me know how your classes are going.

Nathan said...

There's a lot to love about this poem. My favorite stanza is also the last. I love the way the last two lines in each stanza point to death and echo each other. Maybe if the first part of each stanza could echo something about the last stanza? Kind of make the overall meaning rise out of these echoes I think.

Julie said...

Awesome, Holly! You kept all that nice sound, too. I really like what you've done with the stanza lengths, and there's a nice flow from beginning to end. (Plus more evident stuff for dummies like me...hee hee).

How do you revise so quickly? It would take me a month to get to this! Wonderful work!