When I try to bite down,
it's all pink
and spittle
and lip.
(Tough to do with no teeth)
Anyway, hearts don't belong
in our bellies, slowly
being digested in acid.
Veins would get tangled
traveling the
switchback intestines.
We couldn't find ropes
or that oxygen line
leading back to the boat
or the balloon strings
that we hold so tightly
(delighted with the floating)
if our heart was digested.
We'd get lost with the anchor,
forget our nearest and dearest aches,
and the worst-
we'd shit out
the remains, the
waste of the heart.
8 comments:
Hi, Holly! I love your first stanza...it rocks. Pink, spittle, lip...there's a really cool pop and sizzle of sound going on there. The last stanza is also extremely powerful.
On your post, you ask for advice, but I'll have to think about that one. I'm very biased, because I love your work!
Okay, I love the first stanza too and I really enjoyed the idea behind this, it rocks, it's very inventive and very well done.....I'm not too keen on the word shits here (and I know, who am I, cheeky upstart to be making suggestions, but you did ask *grin*).....it's a very surreal, imagisitc poem and that seems too much of a jolt back to reality. But what a great idea.
Thank you both. I do appreciate any and all suggestions. I wasn't sure about the word shit either...It in some ways doesn't seem to fit with the other images and sounds. I don't know if I like a jolt there or not...hmmm.
I love the images here all the rope-like entanglements, intestines, air hose, balloon strings. If I were to make a suggestion, I'd say keep them all together and not separated by the lines about the nest. Also the ending is wonderful and I want to know more about the "waste of the heart." I hope I don't sound overly critical because I love this poem. I'm just responding to your comment asking for suggestions.
Nathan, that's why I asked for comments...usually, when someone mentions something like the imagery should be linked together more...it's very helpful (because that's something I've wondered about as well). So, yes, keep suggestions coming! I don't take offense to you guys...and besides, I take some, I leave some; that's what we do in workshops...you know that!
Is that what you meant Nathan...? Sometimes I'm too close to have perspective.
yeah, that's exactly what I meant. The images reinforce one another and focus their power.
Niice blog post
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